Give us your Jokes

[DanDruff]

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently buggered up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes monopoly a bit too seriously...

[eastcoastclaret]

^^^^^^^^

[eastcoastclaret]

At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to
the executive of the hospital and said
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do
with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be
of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them
up and send them back to the bandage company and
every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that
his unusual question had a practical answer but on he
went, in his obnoxious way.

“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you
do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
The executive, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question, replied. "We
save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every
now and again they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do
you do with all the remains from circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste it," answered the executive.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them
to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a
complete prick."

[eastcoastclaret]

Dead Crows

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A35 in Cheshire recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck"......

[DanDruff]

Bloke goes to the doctors with a bad back.

Doc asks how he done it

The fella says

"Having sex doggy style"

The doc says "Try having sex the normal way"

Fella says "I have, but the dog keeps licking my face".

[eastcoastclaret]

At the bakers....

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.

The young, man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on.

Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so they can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down the ladder.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too? "

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."



Is "ageing hammer" on here under a different name?

[IRON-MAN ⚒]

fuck me lads short jokes please.

[ozzie]

spuds

[DanDruff]

My Wife has been missing a week now, the Police have told me to prepare for the worst, so I've just been down to the Charity Shop to buy all her Clothes back

[Newmarket]

Woy