Give us your Jokes

[Gonzo]

"You've been a very naughty girl and I'm waiting for you to come home!" I texted my wife.

She texted back, "Do I need to be punished "

"Yes, severely" I answered.

"Just so you know, I'm not wearing any knickers right now " she replied.

"What has that got to do with you finishing all the bourbons, you fat cunt?"

[palerider]

Bloke away on a business trip gets a text from his best mate.

'I have to get this off my chest. I feel ashamed. Every time you go away I let myself in to your house with the spare key you gave me and use your wife for a couple of hours......I'm really sorry'

The guy gets back and without a word shoots his wife in the head. Just as he's about to hand himself in he gets another text.

'Fucking predictive text !! I meant wifi'

[thomasdown480]

Roy Hodgson was asked whether he Tweets...

"Oh yes" said Roy

"I tweeted my wife to a nice womantic meal just the other night!"

[thomasdown480]

What does a Geordie bird use for protection during sex?....

A Bus Shelter!

[eastcoastclaret]

As i stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the girl behind the desk, in what i may say a very attractive uniform,looked at me and said 'can i help you sir?'


'Yes,' i slurred,whilst unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out 'One ticket to Amsterdam please'


'You sir are unable to fly, you are far too drunk'


I said ' I know love,thats why i'm getting a plane'

[wokinghama]

What's the difference between a cricket ball and a ginger pussy.

Eventually, if you tried very very hard, you could eventually eat a cricket ball.

[DanDruff]

"You've been a very naughty girl and I'm waiting for you to come home!" I texted my wife.

She texted back, "Do I need to be punished "

"Yes, severely" I answered.

"Just so you know, I'm not wearing any knickers right now " she replied.

"What has that got to do with you finishing all the bourbons, you fat cunt?"

Shamefully stolen from some other hovel. As is this one:


My mates 4 year old was struggling to open her yoghurt yesterday when she suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid".

His missus immediately yelled back at him, "I wonder where she got that from??"

He said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt!"

[palerider]

Not a joke but a true story.

Many years ago my mate Roger's wife had had a baby. It was a difficult birth and as such she was off sex for quite a while. Down the pub one night he mentioned this so another mate (now sadly no longer with us) lent him a porno video so he could do what one does.

The following night with the wife and the kiddie asleep he crept downstairs to watch it. After a few minutes, old chap in hand being firmly chastised, he heard a noise, the door of the living room opening. He had time to do just one thing. Turn off the video. The TV set obviously was then showing the channel it was last on.

So all Roger's wife actually saw was him with his dick in hand watching Crown Bowls.

[eastcoastclaret]

just got home from a long days work and said to my wife
'I've just squashed a hedgehog!'
Looking terribly upset my little daughter looked up at me with tears welling up in her eyes 'couldn't you have just carefully driven around it?
I knealt down to be at eye level so as to comfort her as she started to sob
'Oh my darling princess, i wasn't driving sweetheart.
i just killed it with our spade!'

[eastcoastclaret]

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales .

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch,
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said,




'Burrr … gurrr … king'