Joke Thread

[whu]

Not seen one for a while


Went for a Beaver Curry last night.
It's like a normal curry, just a little otter.

I've decided to stop eating partridge and start eating pheasant.
Proper game-changer.

I entered a cement mixing competition.
I won it on aggregate.

The Polish fans are now on the rampage in Nice. Following the English / Russian skirmishes in Marseille, 100 cars have been valeted and waxed, 50 boilers repaired and 5 walls built with awful pointing...

A Pikey girl is about to get married and her mum says,
"Emerald, you do realise that when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?"
the daughter replies, "shut up ma, how the fuck's he gonna fit his transit van in the sink?"

I pulled a dyslexic bird last night.
I took her home and she cooked my sock.

Woman sees a sign in a pet shop window advertising "Special today- Fanny licking frog".
She thinks "That's handy, the old man hasn't been very attentive lately"
She walks in and the pet shop fella says "Bonjour, Madame!!"

I went to the doctors yesterday, told him I felt like a small island off of Italy.
He said "Don't be Sicily".

A man goes to the doctors and says "everytime I masturbate I shout 'come on you spurs' "
Doctor replied "don't worry most wankers do"

A bloke strolls into an Islamic Book Shop in Brick Lane and is approached by the owner who asked him what he wants
He said 'Do you have a copy of the book on Great Britain's policy regarding deportation of immigrants?
The owner replied, "Fuck off get out and never come back"
He said "yes, that's the one, how much?"

Why does Rupert The Bear wear tartan trousers?
Because he's a cunt.

What do we want?!
A cure for ADHD!
When do we want it?!
Squirrel!!

What do we want?
A cure for Tourette's!
When do we want it?
Cunt!

WHAT DO WE WANT?
HEARING AIDS!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
HEARING AIDS!

That'll do and most ain't mine. Non PC but some funny fuckers in there ...

night night

[Oziron]

I pulled a dyslexic bird last night.
I took her home and she cooked my sock.



ps...Just got a PM from Jack asking why that joke is funny....

WHAT DO WE WANT?
HEARING AIDS!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
HEARING AIDS!

[eastcoastclaret]

In keeping with the dislexia theme....

Dyslexic man bursts into bank the other day holding a gun

" up hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

[Newmarket]

There once was a girl from the Azores
Who's cunt was all covered in sores
Even the dogs on the street
Wouldn't touch the green meat
That hung from her blood ridden drawers....

[palerider]

Not seen one for a while


Went for a Beaver Curry last night.
It's like a normal curry, just a little otter.

I've decided to stop eating partridge and start eating pheasant.
Proper game-changer.

I entered a cement mixing competition.
I won it on aggregate.

The Polish fans are now on the rampage in Nice. Following the English / Russian skirmishes in Marseille, 100 cars have been valeted and waxed, 50 boilers repaired and 5 walls built with awful pointing...

A Pikey girl is about to get married and her mum says,
"Emerald, you do realise that when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?"
the daughter replies, "shut up ma, how the fuck's he gonna fit his transit van in the sink?"

I pulled a dyslexic bird last night.
I took her home and she cooked my sock.

Woman sees a sign in a pet shop window advertising "Special today- Fanny licking frog".
She thinks "That's handy, the old man hasn't been very attentive lately"
She walks in and the pet shop fella says "Bonjour, Madame!!"

I went to the doctors yesterday, told him I felt like a small island off of Italy.
He said "Don't be Sicily".

A man goes to the doctors and says "everytime I masturbate I shout 'come on you spurs' "
Doctor replied "don't worry most wankers do"

A bloke strolls into an Islamic Book Shop in Brick Lane and is approached by the owner who asked him what he wants
He said 'Do you have a copy of the book on Great Britain's policy regarding deportation of immigrants?
The owner replied, "Fuck off get out and never come back"
He said "yes, that's the one, how much?"

Why does Rupert The Bear wear tartan trousers?
Because he's a cunt.

What do we want?!
A cure for ADHD!
When do we want it?!
Squirrel!!

What do we want?
A cure for Tourette's!
When do we want it?
Cunt!

WHAT DO WE WANT?
HEARING AIDS!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
HEARING AIDS!

That'll do and most ain't mine. Non PC but some funny fuckers in there ...

night night

I like the one about Rupert the Bear.

Irish man and his wife on the sofa. The woman has her legs wide open.

'Bridgette' says the husband. 'Close yer legs. The K.I.D.S. can see yer cunt'

[palerider]

Two gay blokes talking in the wine bar.

'So how was the safari ?'

'Ooh, it was dreadful dear. On the last day I got out of the jeep and I was attacked by a lion. I thought he was going to eat me but he took me back to his lair, tore all my clothes off and put his huge dick right up my arse'

'Oh my love, that's awful. Were you hurt ?'

'Hurt ?!?. He hasn't written, he hasn't phoned'

[Newmarket]

There once was a vampire named Jowells
Who sucked faeces from little girls bowels
When that went amiss he drank prostitutes piss
Or the blood from their sanitary towels

[Brookbonds73]

What do you call a 3ft black bloke?
A yardie

Coat, keys, door.

[Down under mick]

Why did the homeless bloke ejeculate?because the sign at the soup kitchen said first come first served